


so loud yet so quiet

by cheoliewoo



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anorexia, Anorexic, Body Image, Bulimia, Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Self-Harm, bulimic, wonwoo centric
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-12 02:02:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29877447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cheoliewoo/pseuds/cheoliewoo
Summary: he starts to spiral but nobody noticesas long as he keeps a smile on his face, as long as he keeps his thighs covered, as long as he keeps on lyingnobody will knowbut how long will wonwoo be able to last before he breaks
Comments: 1
Kudos: 10





	so loud yet so quiet

**Author's Note:**

> please read the tags for trigger warnings!!  
> this is how i view my eating disorder and self harming tendencies so please do not read it if it is triggering for you
> 
> this is my first time trying to write so let me know if it's good!!
> 
> additional tws for this chapter:  
>  \- blood  
>  \- suicidal thoughts

wonwoo knew what he was doing. his mind has been screaming at him for the last hour, telling him to stop doing what he's doing but he couldn't. every time his rational voice told him to stop, it was countered by the demon inside him. the demon that has been storing all of the sad. the demon that has been storing all of the hurt. the demon that has been storing all of the pain. 

  
  


_ stop doing that to yourself  _

**you don't deserve to be standing on stage**

_ you will pass out if you don't stop soon _

**how many times did you mess up during dance practice today**

_ hurting yourself won't help with anything _

**you said that you can't feel anything, cut deeper and you will feel something**

  
  
  


wonwoo knows, he knows that he can't keep going or else he's going to get into trouble. someone will end up finding him in this state, on the floor of the pledis building bathroom, covered in blood and smelling like a combination of puke and alcohol. he grips the side of the bathroom stall trying to steady himself enough to stand up and clean everything up but the moment he does, the world spins and the drops of blood on the floor becomes puddles. wonwoo dropped back down to the floor to let his world get centered again. that's when wonwoo knew, he fucked up. 

  
  
  


**this is why you can't do anything by yourself. this is why nobody likes you. this is why you don't deserve anything. now suck it up, and pick yourself up so that you don't embarrass yourself again.**

  
  
  
  


wonwoo lays his head down on the ice cold tiles to try to ground himself. he tries to stand up again, slowly this time. he manages to get onto his knees. he wiped off the remaining vomit on the toilet seat, wiped up the blood from the floor, picked up his blade and wrapped it in toilet paper, shoved it in his pocket, flushed everything away and left the bathroom. 

  
  
  


__ 

  
  


the next day, everyone had a practice to learn the choreography of the new song for the comeback. 

'Wonwoo! Where did you go last night? heard you coming in pretty late.' mingyu asked. mingyu was always concerned and taking care of his roommate. despite being a year younger than wonwoo, mingyu does a pretty good job at it. he'll cook for wonwoo, notice when he's gone for too long, find out if something's wrong, and just check on him even when nothing's wrong. little does he know what his roommate is doing every night on the cold floor after practice. 

'oh I just wanted to slide in some extra practice and work on my basics, I feel a lil rusty and I don't want to disappoint the fans when it's our first comeback in awhile' wonwoo replied. 

'ah okay I see, just don't overwork yourself!' 

  
  
  
  


**why do you always make people worry**

_ please tell him the truth _

**you don't deserve any pity, if you just let me help you, you don't need anybody else**

_ you can't get through this alone, you need professional help, please get it  _

**everybody will feel better if you killed yourself**

  
  
  
  


'okay 1..2..3..4.. step forward and raise your hands, lean to the left, slide, step 1 step 2 and clap, easy enough right? let's try it together. 5...6...7...8' 

everyone did the dance perfectly except wonwoo. wonwoo didn't hear any of what the choreographer just said. all he heard was 2 voices in his head, it was never his own voice but always somebody, no, something else's voices. voices that consumed all of his thoughts, voices that took up all his time, voices to told him what to do.

'hey are you with me? wonwoo?' 

'oh I'm sorry, I zoned out for a moment, can you repeat what you said?' 

the choreographer repeated what he said but wonwoo was on autopilot at this point. 

mingyu briefly noticed that something was wrong but just assumed that it was the lack of sleep, it was only 9am anyway, wonwoo wouldn't have gotten much sleep if he got into bed at 4am the night before. 

wonwoo managed to last through the whole practice on autopilot, not hearing anything else anybody is saying, not even hearing his own thoughts anymore. 

  
  
  


__ 

  
  


'lunchtime! can we please go out for lunch? I'm soo sick of the food in the cafeteria' chan pleaded. naturally, everybody agreed and that made chan happy. wonwoo wanted to stay in the practice room so he can catch up on some sleep but was dragged out for lunch instead. 

they found a place to eat and sat down. wonwoo picked up the menu 

  
  
  


_ the fried rice looks good! _

**that looks like it has calories that you don't deserve**

_ you have to get through 5 more hours of practice and you need the energy  _

**you won't die from not eating for 5 more hours**

**just get a salad or whatever you need to not pass out**

_ b-but  _

  
  
  


'wonwoo what are you having?' mingyu asked, 'just a salad, I don't like the menu here' wonwoo lied. 

when the food came, everyone was having conversations. jeonghan was teasing chan, hansol and seungkwan were in their own little bubble, minghao and jun were having a conversation in chinese, and everybody else were talking about how good the food was. but wonwoo's mind was counting...counting the same 24 calories over and over again in his mind, picking at the salad just to make sure that he didn't miss anything out. he didn't put the dressing on as that would add another 160 calories that he didn't need. 

he barely touched his salad that day. 

**you did well controlling yourself during lunch today. don't ruin it for the rest of the day.**

  
  


wonwoo manages to get through the rest of the day. the combination of sleep deprivation and malnutrition really put a toll on wonwoo’s body. normally, if seventeen was on break, someone would notice that something is wrong and ask him about it. but they were not on a break, everybody is stressed about the comeback. it is exciting for the members as they finally get to be performing again but everyones minds are lingering on the same questions;

‘will our fans like our new song?’

‘what if people are disappointed by this album?’

‘will I be able to perform well on stage?’

the anxiety sets in and becomes more apparent the closer they get to the comeback date so nobody notices anything

wonwoo is glad that he gets to do all of this to himself without anybody noticing anything. Afterall,  **the best way to lose weight is to do it quietly and let people have a shock when they finally notice right?**

__

‘WONWOO YOUR TEASER PHOTOS CAME OUT!!’ seokmin yelled across the practice room. ‘yeah i saw’

‘as expected of our jeon wonwoo! your jawline looks so good in the photos! did you lose weight again?’ jeonghan asked with a note of concern in his voice. 

‘I’ve been doing abit more strength training to tone my muscles’ wonwoo replied. the rest of the group bought it, after all, he was going to be wearing crop tops during the promotions so it is understandable that wonwoo wants to look good in them. the group knows that wonwoo occasionally struggles with his weight, they know that when it gets too stressful, wonwoo will relapse. 

  
  


**they cant find out about this yet, you are not at your goal yet. do you see how your thighs spread when you sit down? you seriously think that’s okay? you’re an idol, a dancer, a rapper, a performer, entertainer. it is literally your job to get people to like you. try harder and then you can stop. you will never feel as good as you do when eating when you finally reach your goal okay??**

okay.

  
  
  
  


‘let’s cleaup quickly and order some supper! this choreo makes me so tired i feel like i need a whole generator plugged into me to pull it off properly.’ mingyu suggested. ‘yeah sure’ ‘i want tteokbokki’ ‘kimchi fried rice for me’ ‘me too!’ 

everyone chimed in at the mention of food. all that went through wonwoos mind was how he should avoid eating with them. how many more lies and excuses can he come up with before he can no longer avoid eating with the group. he felt so alone with his thoughts but he knew that he wasnt, he was never alone in his thoughts because there was always someone, or rather something, that tells him what to do. 

  
  


__ 

they sat down at the restaurant, looking through the menu trying to decide on what to eat. it's never easy to decide especially with so many members, but because there are this many members, it's easier to get away with not eating. 

  
  


**look at minghao's legs. thighs that will never touch, calves that are the size of a stick. look at jeonghan's collarbones. then look at yourself. look at how your thighs are spreading, can you even see your jawline?**

  
  


the rest of them decided on what to order without wonwoo having to say a word. when the food came, wonwoo helped himself to a small serving of the salad. surprisingly, he picked up his bowl and reached for the tteokbokki. it was almost perfect, the way he was so casual about it, so composed, so calm, as if he has done it a thousand times. nobody noticed that he only scooped the sauce into that he only scooped sauce into his bowl and nothing else. 

wonwoo held on to the bowl, pretending like he's taking big bites of his dinner, engaging in random conversations that popped up around the table. it was so natural for wonwoo to do that, talking, pretending to eat, and acting like he was really full after while all that sat in his stomach was that voice. 

  
  


**the salad might've only been 12calories but that bowl of sauce probably costed you another 57 calories. you're gonna have to try harder to—**

_ but I deserved to have that _

**to be liked by people. only skinny people deserved to be loved. only skinny people deserved to be held, to be adored. only when you are skinny, are you deserving of anything good in this world**

_ only when I'm skinny, I'm deserving of something good in this world  _

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading this!! should i continue this?


End file.
